As we all know, Martha Stewart is on Match.com. (You can pretty much search anything on the web, and her profile will come up.) As I read her profile, I started to think about what I would write if I were to sign up for Match.com. I am married, so I am not necessarily looking, but most likely neither is Martha. She just published a new book titled, Living the Good Long Life, which she mentions in her profile, and she also uses “thegoodlonglife” as her username. Joining Match.com is a genius publicity stunt, and I would like to get in on the action.
Seeking: Someone who likes to babysit, do the dishes, and be the designated driver
Within: I’d prefer not to leave my house
Kids: Two kids who like to sleep in the bed with me and who will probably need expensive dental work in the next few years.
Body type: I
have had a nice rack
Height: I like to say that I am 5’6”
Smoke: No, but I might pick it up if I ever go to prison, turn eighty, or start working at an ad agency in the 1960s
Drink: Like a frat boy on nickel beer night
I did some online dating back in my early twenties when Match.com was still new and creepy. I went on one date with a nice guy, we dated for about a month until he stopped calling me, and then I was forced to stalk him. Back then if you went on an online date and the other person wasn’t a psycho, then you probably needed to take a good long look in the mirror.
Here’s how I’d define myself: unemployed with very little earning potential. I cuss like a sailor, I dress way too slutty for my age and lifestyle, and I never squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom.
I love to cook, especially recipes from fancy foodie magazines. I usually get frustrated because the recipes are too complicated, so I abandon the project and go sit on the couch and polish off a bottle of wine. My house often looks appealing and tidy, but if you start opening too many closets and drawers, you will probably become terrified. These are also metaphors for me generally.
Please send me a message if you are interested. I am scared to fly, so geography is sort of a big deal. I am also afraid of lightning, wrinkles, commitment, chainsaws, and the NRA.