I was recently introduced to the never-ending entertainment that is reading the personals on Craigslist. I thought Craigslist was just where you went if you wanted to sell your motorcycle and then murder the potential buyers, I did not know about the personals. First, I love how the site recognizes that people of all sexual orientations and gender identifications can be total perverts. I also love how urgent and ordinary the ads seem, “Hosting blow and go until 3 p.m. No recip required.” There is a certain level of confidence with an ad like that, which I admire. It is similar to the “limit one per customer” marketing strategy. The deal is so good he has to set limits. The one closeted congressman that shows up can’t handle a blow and go at 3:15. That would be anarchy. Also at 3 p.m. the host has to leave to start his shift at Pizza Hut.
Craigslist personals do not even try to masquerade as commitment-bound. They are not Match.com where at least there is some curtain of mutual interest. Like you he is also into the outdoors. Like you he is also a non-smoker. Like you he is also into aerobics. Craigslist does not pretend to find subscribers deep emotional or spiritual compatibility like eHarmony. Like you he also denies the existence of dinosaurs. Like you he also thinks erections are shameful. Like you he also secretly masturbates to Joel Osteen Ministries videos. No, Craigslist is more about a 49-year-old man seeking a woman age 18-29 (negotiable!) with a small to medium sized chest for a long term relationship. Like you he also thinks Cancun is romantic. Like you he also ends every text with a random series of adorable emojis. Unlike you he is not allowed within 500 feet of any place children congregate.
The most entertaining Craigslist personals are the missed connections. These are posted by the type of people who will romantically sprint through security checkpoints in a frantic race to stop their true love at the boarding gate where they will then, unfortunately, be arrested for terrorism. “I talked to the older man you were with today at Harbor Freight. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. I hope to hear from you, I was the guy with the full beard!” Like you he was buying a tarp, some duct tape, and a saw. I wonder how many missed connection posts ever actually connect. What are the odds that the girl is deranged enough to regularly check the missed connections on Craigslist? What are the odds that the older man was not her boyfriend? (Ladies, when was the last time you were in Harbor Freight with someone who you were not sleeping with?) Maybe the older man was her kidnapper and her smile was a plea for help. She is not going to respond to your missed connection because she is a sex slave now. You were her only chance.
The more realistic missed connections are by people who say they hope the person they are describing will message them or “any others for that matter.” If a man can find a connection with “the woman he saw at the liquor store looking sick in her Bud Light pajama pants”, then he can probably connect with anyone. Like you he is also into ironic loungewear. The missed connections walk that fine line between love at first sight and heat seeking missiles. They are like the unmanned drones of dating, maybe there is a potential target in mind, but more likely the goal is to get anything in the path of destruction to go down.
This essay was published in the June 2014 issue of The Funny Times.