Some Bunny to Love

I recently bought some remote control panties from a line of products called Bedroom Kandi, designed by former Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member Kandi Burruss. The products are beautifully packaged, high quality, and on many levels take away the unfortunate stigma around buying personal products for the bedroom. When I purchased the panties from a sales representative at a private party, I was drunk, which much more accurately simulates the sexual experience for me. The next morning I stumbled across the receipt in my purse and had instant regrets. Who needs a man? I can do this entire process on my own.

The panties are one size fits all and, especially when stuffed with the rechargeable massager, are a little droopy in the butt and crotch area. It makes it look like I am wearing a soggy black lace diaper. That vibrates. I have considered some scenarios, like maybe wear them to a hotel bar and pass the remote to a stranger. Hey handsome, give me a buzz. It is like giving him my room key, but instead just giving him instant, electronic access to my crotch.

I also ordered a giant dildo called Bunny You’ll Love it, and a product called Helping Hand that says on the box it can be for couples or single play. It is a device that goes on a penis, something I seem to have an awful lot of trouble getting my hands on. What I might do is reciprocate to Bunny Love, just to give something back—I do not want to be a selfish lover.

When I took my new, hot pink dildo out of the box, I screamed, “It’s so big!” and then felt shy and nervous. The only other dildo I have ever owned, I drunk ordered from Amazon and then forgot about the purchase until the package arrived. “What could this be?” Oh yes, it is a reminder that I am alone. I might as well have ordered some furniture for my cat. My Amazon dildo is very tiny, although it does say on the box that it can also be used as an anal butt plug (wink! wink!), so maybe this is the one time when vibrator is actually the euphemism. Don’t worry it will just say FOR VAGINAS ONLY on the box. Completely discreet.

The sex toy extravaganza is what I am going to call phase four in the online dating process. Phase one begins with a night spent home alone drinking and realizing that I am actually not “too good” for online dating. The signing up process is much quicker than expected, it is sort of like getting the courage to ride a terrifying roller coaster and then thinking there will be time while standing in line to pull myself together, enjoy the moments I have left, and tell my family that I love them, but then I just keep winding back and forth through the maze of dividers at a steady pace until suddenly I am sitting in the front row and the harness is being lowered onto my shoulders. Wait? What is happening?

Phase two is when I thought that it might actually work. I have had a few reasonable conversations, met some people for coffee, not been murdered—all the prerequisites for life long companionship. Then phase three is when I realize that all I am really getting from these people is text messages. It is a level of hell where messages are just sent back and forth with no impetus to make actual plans or to see each other in person. In my most generous assessment, I have assumed these types of men are married, but I think they are just lazy. They would rather have their ego stroked than anything else, and messaging with me delivers, and they don’t even have to leave their house or turn off their television.

Thus, sex toys. I feel this is a relationship I can actually make last. At least until they run out of batteries. Or I lose the remote. Then like everything else they will be added to the list of things that need attention: organize desk area, call the exterminator, schedule parent-teacher conference, buy batteries for giant dildo, find the remote for vibrating panties. Phase five is the inevitable buzz kill. I have not given up online dating, though. The phases are somewhat recursive. And I am a slow learner. I just recently swiped yes to a guy holding a kitten, mainly because it seems like he knows his audience. Are you alone? Yes! Do you like cats? Yes! Swipe right and we can enter into a relationship that consists of sexting and adorable cat photos. Yes! Back to phase one.

bench shot

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10 comments

  1. berolahragabasket · March 29, 2016

    Thanks for Sharing

  2. YBNWU · March 29, 2016

    You totally nailed it. Nice work. 🙂

  3. imperialrebelork · March 29, 2016

    Was it a happy Easter then? Hehe. Do you know why women need men? Vibrators can’t mow the lawn. Hehe. Joke.

  4. jasatrik · March 30, 2016

    good

  5. Life Mutated · April 10, 2016

    Well, apart from the, um … blushy, gushy side of it … sorry, I’m a virgo so excuse the modesty …

    Some really nice insights here and I wish more woman would post about their experience so mutual understanding can be fostered. There is no established protocol for online dating. Not like the traditional dating where, starting from our parents days you opened doors, pulled out chairs etc.

    My online dating experience thus far?
    – You introduce yourself, they ask if you want to whats-app.
    – You start texting with a couple of questions being thrown about.
    – You arrange to meet.
    – A day before you go to meet them, or as it has happened recently, two hours before hand … “sorry, something has come up”

    The most annoying part about it for me as a guy, is the amount of energy I have to expend on it ( And if you read my blog you will understand why that’s such an issue for me ).

    Men would also like attention from time to time and having to push from your side the whole time to keep the conversation going makes us feel like, “meh, she’s not that into me so why should I bother trying to set up a meet”.

    You feel like a little puppy nipping at their heels, as though you are in the presence of royalty and you are there only by their good graces. Don’t get me wrong, a woman should be treated like that and I wouldn’t treat them any other way. But honestly, I guess it comes down to the old dilemma of “woman, decide what you want”. If you don’t drive the conversation from your side, your not making an effort. When you do drive it from your side, your smothering them.

    They don’t tell you, “hey, slow down cowboy … I like you but easy with the messaging, I have a life of my own too you know.” or “I’d like to have a bit more time to text with you every day, your so quiet.”. And they don’t tell you straight up, it’s not working, nope, it is all just too easy to ignore him if you’ve fallen out of interest, after all … it’s not like men have feelings.

    Reading the subtle tells that woman like to through at you, as hard enough … try doing it blind.

    But all said, I feel your frustrations … more than you can imagine.

  6. macintosh chea · April 15, 2016

    wow! like it

  7. Little Bunny LuLu & Friends · May 24, 2016

    Thank you for writing about some bunny to love. It makes my bunny heart pitter-patter and puts more pop in my hop. xo, Little Bunny LuLu

  8. ringhillary · May 24, 2016

    You are welcome Little Bunny Lulu!

  9. Rasan Tours UAE · May 28, 2016

    WOW, Thanks For Sharing .. 😉

  10. diariododiaonline · July 3, 2016

    linda

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